I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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