This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
