I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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