you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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