I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
