Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
