Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
True strength comes from lack of pants
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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