How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
