she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
