I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
