we made out on top of his cat.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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