No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
