You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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