I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
