Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize