you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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