Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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