She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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