I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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