I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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