where does the pee come out of this thing
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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