my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
