so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
