hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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