i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize