You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
