forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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