I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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