so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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