wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
