All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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