My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
