I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
