I wish I only lived at night.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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