No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
