you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
