i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
