i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i think i have two assholes
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
