I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
