Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
