I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
