My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
