Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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