she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
