I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
