I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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