Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
