So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Non-Jews are for practice
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
