he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
