I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
