I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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