what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize