is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
