I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
