we're chasing vodka with high fives
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
