i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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