I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
