i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
