I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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