I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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