youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
