You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
