Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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