so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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